a forgiveness yet too little too late
I’ve been trying to wrote this for a few days but I was let down by many of dark flashback and my own personal ego.
Sometimes it’s difficult for any of us to share especially on our blog (and the rest of the world) the truth about ourselves.
We wrote something nice to amuse people, some funny entries to bring a smile on their face or something sad to grab a little sympathy.
But are we really sharing what readers want to read or just to please ourselves?
So, does after writing those kind of entry, are we just sit back and leave or we do a little glance on our life, counting what right or wrong like a light house shinning through a calm sea looking for a tsunami that might crossing fast across the ocean.
Cause, when a tsunami would hit us; we may just break, hurt, angry and sad for not making a right decision to change ourselves.
What I’m sharing with you, I would say one of my darkest secret; It haunt me since it happen – it might have happen to you, to your brother, to your son – it may look like no big deal but it does shape a human like me for the rest of my life.
Over the weekend, I received a little not so good news from someone from my past and the news slowly kind started digging this secret I’ve buried since I left my school.
And it was since I left my hometown and make a living in Kuala Lumpur.
Not many people knows where I’m from if they first met me, I would just straight away wash out my slang to avoid any question raised by them where do I schooling prior to go to university.
Why didn’t I’m proud of it? Huh, hard to say.
After I left my school, even my mum do wonder why every time Hari Raya, I would just stay home and never go out with my school mates. I guess I just get rid of them rather than facing the issues and live with it.
Year by year, I’ve become invisible to others (my school friends); My look change drastically, my mother tongue slowly becomes hidden and I just being my new me for rest of my post university years.
Why does it become so challenging for me to accept what I’m previously?
This is how it’s happen…
Back in Form 2, I was one of the smaller sizes (body) in my class; I was not that smart – it was the 3rd class standard and when you’re in this classes, there are many bullies!
From the big size to the most nasty one, they would just pick you to do all sort of thing. You try your best to blend in with your classmate. Even you’ve this ‘Cirik’ nickname, a mockery of a small-black looking size animal call ‘cengkerik’ or crickets.
To make it matter worse, this was all boys’ school. What this boy do when they want tease you coz no girl around?
They would steal your money, they steal your shirt (we’re living in a hostel), they would ask you to do their homework and worse they strip you NAKED!
Am I a shame writing this? Noooh… let it out…
One day, I was, believe me, so damn naive – I only know – the thing I have is only to use for wiwi – never thought for other thing.
Stop there! This is long time ago – when there is no TV (my home got no TV till I was Form 3), no Internet, I didn’t read any Newspaper – no newspaper distribution comes to my hometown, let alone mix around with youngster – so I was like damn!
After that thing happen, I’ve become a different person. My anger towards myself was so high up there. I’ve started questioning my life living in kampung.
Worse, I feel ashamed at that person. He was teasing me for the whole years and a couple year till I leave school!
Aside, I’ve transform the anger and frustration towards changing myself and it was a successful attempt and it shapes me for what I’m now.
I never scared to conquer the world, cause I know the far I go the lesser chances I would met him ever again.
Ever again, rephrase that!
However in the last few days… It was supposedly a happy victory for me. If I was a Non-Muslim I should pop-up a champagne to celebrate my life!
A victory supposedly I wish for a long time ago.
Instead I was sitting on my sajadah, cheating my not so fluent of surah Yassin.
Cause, that person have gone to see the One… the Mighty God;
… and I was here never had chance to give my forgiveness to him ever again.
….. (my hand is shaking) ….
Today, I ask Allah for forgiveness to forgive him for the thing he have done to me… and I know it was too little too late.
November 13th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
This is a very emotional entry. Indeed we need to forgive someone in order to be set free.
I used to be bullied in my school too, for the same reason as yourself; small size. Much to be forgiven.
Josh´s last thought..My Sifu’s Professorial Lecture
November 13th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Josh, yes so much to be forgiven… It’s sad to look back on our self and wondering what happen if we just stood there and didn’t take a step to change our self
November 13th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Sebenarnya kita memang perlu memaafkan tetapi sebagai manusia biasa kita selalu menyimpan dendam……but for me as long u dah memaafkan….itu dah cukup memadai walaupun org yang kita benci tu dah tak de lagi…..
November 13th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
its a touching entry..apepun yang berlaku..kemaafan adalah perlu..but for me we can forgive but cant easily forget
November 13th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
hej! wahaza…it’s never too late to forgive, a brave man always be a forgiven one…a past always shape the future…we learn from the past to have a better life if possible and i am sure you are a better man now who are stronger spiritually, emotionally and physically if not big as abg.bear…hehehehee…and i did the same to reconcile my past and forgive and seek forgiveness, to make peace to myself so i can move on to another chapter of life…we should not be regretted, ashamed or frustrated or angered what we have been through especially the bad things but take it as a test from HIM and you will be happy…forgive and be forgiven and you won’t be able to erased all those memories, bad or good but you just will forget for it a while, over the time and we have to live with it for the rest of our lives…life is worth to be celebrated!
be kind to all even though they are not treated you good…;-)
danial ma´s last thought..Autumn leaves…
November 13th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
hej! wahaza…hhhmmmm…now i have a choice to bully either you or josh…hahahahaha…but why not next time we bully josh because he is the smallest&shortest&petite amongst us…hehehehehehe…heeyaaaa…
danial ma´s last thought..Autumn leaves…
November 14th, 2008 at 12:57 am
Nonie, thanks – It just hit me so badly when I heard the news – coz I never thought I would hear about him anymore; we were friend in the surface but enemy inside and I use to told him to go easy on me (bullied) – but some how I’m regretted that sometimes we pretend to like somebody but actually we care much to put the anger inside us used it as an excuses;
November 14th, 2008 at 12:59 am
inah, once its broken no matter how good you heal it it will leave you a scar; physically or emotionally.
November 14th, 2008 at 1:07 am
Danial, thanks for your wise word. It just I was a bit terkilan – I never thought my guilt towards myself suddenly reappear; but like I said I’m a different person – I didn’t blame him except myself. The greatest challenge when you’re having a conflict is to forgive yourself. Self guilt is eating you a life;
On the matter of bullying Josh; I do kind of like him and his to nice to be bullied – maybe a pinch would do!
November 14th, 2008 at 6:29 am
hej! wahaza…hhhmmm…a pinch? ok la…can also…hehehehee…
danial ma´s last thought..Another hell kitchen…
November 14th, 2008 at 10:47 am
Danial, Josh luv to be pinch… muahahahah;
November 14th, 2008 at 11:15 am
Ooooooooo… mengumpat masa saya takde yee…..
I’m a gigiting champion tau. GIGIT kaang.!
Josh´s last thought..My Sifu’s Professorial Lecture
November 14th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Second thought. I FORGIVE him for his inhumane thought. hahahahahaha… Kan Wahaza, Kan?
Pstt.. Danial, I’ll report to Abg Bear. He’ll do the pinching for me.
Josh´s last thought..My Sifu’s Professorial Lecture
November 14th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
bullies i had that too, but somehow i just forgotten and dont care about them anymore. alive or dead.. call me cold hearted but what was in the past should stay burried in the past. i really could not care less of what happened to them anymore.
budleee´s last thought..tak dpt nak update
November 15th, 2008 at 1:28 am
Josh, gatai… nak gigit2 org ni; pinch cukuplah…
November 15th, 2008 at 1:35 am
Bud, It’s hard for someone to runaway forever; and this is was a closer for me to accept who I was and embraced it that past is always be one chapter of our life;
November 16th, 2008 at 1:10 am
aiyoooo sedihnye..ko kan kenal wanita air mata nih….
November 16th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
It’s pretty hard when the person is out of reach to be able to tell him in person of how we feel and that to forgive him, but as hard as it is, I believe that it is still not too late that you realise it now than when you are unable to do so. To forgive someone is rather hard, and always difficult, but once we forgave them, trust me, you will feel much better inside. On the outside, it will portrays itself.
zara´s last thought..Go and fly kite!
November 16th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Ayda, sadly it’s true.. this is life;
November 16th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Zara, thanks; very true; To accept that you’re guilty is the hardest thing to do;
November 18th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
hmm…baguslah kalau dah sedar..
good for you..
Putubambu´s last thought..Citer tag yg tak pernah habis…..
November 18th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Kak putu, sedar? Hahahaha; I’m ok
November 20th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
[...] out the time Josh placed his comment on my entry ‘a forgiveness yet too little too late‘ and the Israel’s IP Adresss time and date are the [...]
November 23rd, 2008 at 12:45 am
iskkk…..tengok gambo masa kecik2 dulu..terkenang semasa dulu….
Wahaza?????
November 23rd, 2008 at 8:14 am
Mushiy, yes terkenang masa lalu… Wahaza with a (many) question mark…what’s that
November 23rd, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Wahaza,
I also wondering who’s Wahaza..after reding the story..then i know.
i hope you can forgive and let go..Allah give you the harderst time in your school time..but He reserve you with something in return when you meet him later,InsyaAllah. I believes, the person that you mentioned did regret about what he did during school. I met some of them, and i knew they changed and regret.
And if i did contributed to your horror time,Please accept my regret too..i don’t think that i did bullies anyone during school..but who knows..so forgive me..and pls forgive our frends..they also naive to know other people’s feeling..
Don’t blame your past. Becasue of the past, you became you today.
Zaidi,BSB.
November 23rd, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Thanks for the support; I’m glad everybody have become a good man! I’m sorry if I made everybody feeling guilty; yeah everbody did wondering who is wahaza;
November 24th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
kawe pun sama jugok, bilo dah baca detail baru kawe tau sapa wahaza(that why kawe bubuh WAhaza???)…jangan senama YOGA untuk tenteramkan minda sudahh…takbirr…
November 30th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Wahaza..or should i called you Ise..
i remember you once hit by the car and you broke your leg..
i remember you ..but i may not know you any more..even i can’t recognise yr face..
not untill i read your story..cirik..yaaa..i remember that name..and been yr classmate, i almost understand your story inside out..i hope you remember me as yr classmate not as the one that you mentioned above..and i deed, i pretty sure i’m not in that group..tell me if i’m wrong.
Anyway..i almost sure who’s you’re talking about..i met him 3 weeks b4 he proceed with his nx journey.And i tell you, he’s also like you-becoming a diferent person..after all, schooltime is full of naughty boys.. not naughty men. I hope you can forgive them..forgive me too if i did “naughty” things to u too.. Saidina Umar pernah berkata “lelaki yg kuat adalah lelaki yg mampu memaafkan lelaki lain disaat dia juga mampu menghukum lelaki tersebut”.
Allah give us different type of Ujian..i think you got yours..
All the Best..Cirik is gone..Ise remain forever.
Zd_BSB
December 1st, 2008 at 12:55 am
Zd, Thanks – You’re not the one in the group; I didn’t broke my leg – but my hand and I was hit by the car;
I’ve forgive that person long ago; but somehow after I received the news – I realise I never did actually – it’s like a small thing that you feel it was a denial – but seeing everybody is connected now after reading this entry – I’m happy – and it was a closer for me – I do forgive him now – I know that it was never his mistake – we all were young & naive during that time;